Posts tagged funny

Mental Health Hotline

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NHS MENTAL HEALTH ANSWERING MACHINE

Hello and welcome to the NHS answering service.

If you are obsessive – compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please hold until we trace your call.

If you are delusional, please listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press, no-one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 6969696969

If you have a nervous disposition, please fiddle with the # key until an operator comes on the line.

If you have a post traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 00000000

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9

If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are far too busy to be chatting to a loser like you.

If you are menopausal, turn on the fan, lie down and cry repeatedly.you wont be crazy forever.

If you are a paranoid schizophrenic, hang up quick, HE’S BEHIND YOU !

Interesting Quote

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At a computer expo some time ago, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated :
“If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask, “are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Jeb Jobs Technical Support

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Just come across a really funny animation.

http://www.weakendproductions.co.uk/movs/jebsjobs.html

It’s funny because the stuff they ask is actually what some people would ask.

Media Studies

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Media Studies has to be one of the coolest subjects. Every lesson almost, we have a bit of a last and today’s lesson was no exception.

When somehow we got onto talking about the X-Factor, and how bad the latest winner was when someone played the song that she has since made. Then one of my friends blurted out

“If I want to hear a drowned rat, I would drown one”

That had us in stitches especially how quickly the insult was thought up.

There has been loads of funny things going on in Media Studies. Like last year two students in my class were making fun of how a certain teacher talks and had us all in stitches for over three quarters of the lesson!

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